I woke up terrified, broken and bloodied on the sidewalk. It took me a few seconds to realize that we had flown in oncoming traffic with the motorcycle after being hit. It was a hit and run. It’s been over a year since my boyfriend and I were hit by a car on our motorcycle during rush hour in Los Angeles, and I still can’t forget to hear the sounds of my unconscious boyfriend, struggling to breathe, or how fragile life suddenly is. felt – I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.
Death came to kiss us both that night. The residue from her gray lips stripped my well-constructed “strong” identity. Later that night, I grabbed my crutches next to the hospital bed to use the bathroom… when I looked at myself in the mirror, I was confronted with my uncomfortably raw reflection, devoid of the ego that supported me to gain the advantage. She looked different. Her fragile, leaky eyes told me. . . it was time to surrender and let go of what was left in the road that night, no more trauma and do business as usual. Finally, my stubborn ego wasn’t there to dissuade me from asking for the help I desperately needed.
The therapy provided a safe container for me to explore myself, my trauma, to illuminate the dark areas of my psyche and gently provided tools to rebuild a new authentic sense of myself. Among many deep dives with my therapist, she introduced me to Sigmund Freud’s concept of the human psyche. Freud conceptualized three systems of the unconscious brain as: the id, the ego and the superego.
“According to Freud’s psychoanalytic theory, the id is the primitive and instinctive part of the mind which contains sexual and aggressive drives and hidden memories, the superego functions as a moral conscience, and the ego is the realistic part which serves intermediary between desires. of the id and the superego. “** – McLeod, SA
My therapist asked me to identify my own id, ego, and superego. Much to the delight of my creative brain – she challenged me to think in an abstract way – “what are they like, how are they acting, what is their tone of voice, etc.” This challenge was surprisingly invigorating! Once I started to meditate on these parts of myself and identify with them – I was able to feel more balance and stability as I navigated my days with more mental clarity and compassion.
Understanding when my inner dialogue became too harsh and self-critical (superego), when I was dealing with my primary impulses and could level myself when I felt overly critical (ego), and when I became explosive and edgy, among my many other instincts (id), helped me calm down and counter those inner monologues with kindness and rationality. It was a solid addition to my growing mental toolbox.
I was creatively seduced to bring these versions of myself to a tangible reality, expressing a darker side of who I am with celebration, color theory, and fire energy. I believe our dark natures are crucial to unbox and explore. It contains keys that only you have access to – and in times of trauma, tension, and transformation, these keys could save your life or hurt you if you don’t understand which door to use them for.
We all experience our own traumas as we navigate the heavy pandemic, intense political climate and our trying personal experiences during this unprecedented time.
My intention with this artwork is to celebrate mental health by allowing you to ask for help when you really need it, encourage self-expression as a form of therapy, highlight the color orange representing the sacral chakra and its healing properties, and ignite. anyone who reads this article with an authentic soul warming fire. You are not alone and you are absolutely gorgeous when you are raw. I wish you many ego deaths and rebirths on this psychic journey.
Celebrate life, thankful for another chance.
CONNECT WITH TAYLOR LEWIS
photos / courtesy of the artist
story / Taylor Lewis